i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
