My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
