I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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