Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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