I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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