No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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