I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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