Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
