I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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