i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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