the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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