I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
