Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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