He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize