If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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