Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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