The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
