She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
