My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
