my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize