i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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