1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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