I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize