i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
