Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize