So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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