I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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