I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have demons in me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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