I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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