I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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