Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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