You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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