onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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