his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
