we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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