I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I think I am morally bankrupt
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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