White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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