If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
