I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
