I cannot find my penis.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
