Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
