I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
