We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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