Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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