You're completely useless in the revolution.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
