Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
