I need to stop coming to work sober
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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