WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
