R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
It was confusing and full of hummus
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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