Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
