Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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