My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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