I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
