youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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