You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
