You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
