sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
