everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
